So TGTV has been up and running for, what, seven days now? Well, six that anyone even knew about. And with the help of my Favorite New Friend - Google Analytics - I can find out pretty much what you're wearing when you click on the site. No, don't freak out, Oh Paranoid Ones. That's sooooo not true. I can't actually see your underwear. But it's like having a GPS on your sweet ass. I know every move you make. OK, kidding again. What Google Analytics allows me to do is find out what cities and countries are checking into TGTV. I'm going to make an international post pretty soon, because I couldn't be more giddy about all the countries checking out TGTV right now, but I first need to get up on my soap box about my own 'hood - the United States. That's right. You'd think that all 50 states would check in at some point, right? It's a big place. Look at a map. You'd think that maybe, just maybe, somebody was reading The Bastard Machine on sfgate.com and thinking, "Hmm, he's got a new site. I'll check it out." Well, yeah, 48 states. A certain someone in each of them - sometimes many someones in each of them - clicked on TGTV. But not Iowa. Not Vermont. They are the last two hold outs. Please, someone who knows someone in Iowa and Vermont, get them to visit for a look-see. If need be, send them to The Bastard Machine first, where all the cool toys are. Then have them click here. Now, I can kinda sorta get Iowa. I mean, in a totally disrespectful, knee-jerk pigeonholing, dead-wrong-in-public, stereotypical asshole kind of way, you could say, "Yeah, I get it. I'm from San Francisco. Not exactly Iowa-friendly. They won't like me." But that's probably not true. It could be that someone in Iowa is just asleep at the computer. But the whole state? Where's the love?
Now, Vermont I don't get at all. Vermont! For Christ's sake, Vermont is practically Berkeley. Do you know how far I live from Berkeley? Like one block. Seriously. I'm in Oakland, which is so much cooler than Berkeley, despite the rampant killings and stuff. I love Oakland. And that shouldn't scare off you Vermont folks. I should get your sympathy (have you ever seen "The Wire"? It's like living there.) But I should also get some PC cred for living so close - one block! - from Planet Berkeley. But nooooooo. Nobody from Vermont has ever once clicked on TGTV. Where's the love? I get most of my meat and vegetables fresh from the market! I eat gourmet cheeses! I used to drive a Volvo (and a Saab!). What's not to like? Iowa, sure, I can kinda get that (but not really). Vermont? We're like brothers. You ignoring TGTV makes me sad. It hurts. I hope someone in that great state will check in and give me a hug.
Aw, that sounded sappy.
Get it? See! I'm totally into Vermont-safe jokes. I swear to God, if Iowa checks in first, there's gonna be a lot of shame in your tiny-ass state. Whoops. I didn't mean it like that. Don't make me send someone from Oaktown over there to put a cap in your ass.