Monday, December 10, 2007

Uh, Iowa? Vermont? Hello? Anybody home?

So TGTV has been up and running for, what, seven days now? Well, six that anyone even knew about. And with the help of my Favorite New Friend - Google Analytics - I can find out pretty much what you're wearing when you click on the site. No, don't freak out, Oh Paranoid Ones. That's sooooo not true. I can't actually see your underwear. But it's like having a GPS on your sweet ass. I know every move you make. OK, kidding again. What Google Analytics allows me to do is find out what cities and countries are checking into TGTV. I'm going to make an international post pretty soon, because I couldn't be more giddy about all the countries checking out TGTV right now, but I first need to get up on my soap box about my own 'hood - the United States. That's right. You'd think that all 50 states would check in at some point, right? It's a big place. Look at a map. You'd think that maybe, just maybe, somebody was reading The Bastard Machine on sfgate.com and thinking, "Hmm, he's got a new site. I'll check it out." Well, yeah, 48 states. A certain someone in each of them - sometimes many someones in each of them - clicked on TGTV. But not Iowa. Not Vermont. They are the last two hold outs. Please, someone who knows someone in Iowa and Vermont, get them to visit for a look-see. If need be, send them to The Bastard Machine first, where all the cool toys are. Then have them click here. Now, I can kinda sorta get Iowa. I mean, in a totally disrespectful, knee-jerk pigeonholing, dead-wrong-in-public, stereotypical asshole kind of way, you could say, "Yeah, I get it. I'm from San Francisco. Not exactly Iowa-friendly. They won't like me." But that's probably not true. It could be that someone in Iowa is just asleep at the computer. But the whole state? Where's the love?

Now, Vermont I don't get at all. Vermont! For Christ's sake, Vermont is practically Berkeley. Do you know how far I live from Berkeley? Like one block. Seriously. I'm in Oakland, which is so much cooler than Berkeley, despite the rampant killings and stuff. I love Oakland. And that shouldn't scare off you Vermont folks. I should get your sympathy (have you ever seen "The Wire"? It's like living there.) But I should also get some PC cred for living so close - one block! - from Planet Berkeley. But nooooooo. Nobody from Vermont has ever once clicked on TGTV. Where's the love? I get most of my meat and vegetables fresh from the market! I eat gourmet cheeses! I used to drive a Volvo (and a Saab!). What's not to like? Iowa, sure, I can kinda get that (but not really). Vermont? We're like brothers. You ignoring TGTV makes me sad. It hurts. I hope someone in that great state will check in and give me a hug.

Aw, that sounded sappy.

Get it? See! I'm totally into Vermont-safe jokes. I swear to God, if Iowa checks in first, there's gonna be a lot of shame in your tiny-ass state. Whoops. I didn't mean it like that. Don't make me send someone from Oaktown over there to put a cap in your ass.

22 comments:

David J. Loehr said...

Checking in from Hanover, Indiana. And yes, Woody Harrelson went to college here, ergo Hanover jokes on Cheers. And are they true? More than you'd think.

That's why I like to say we're in the greater Louisville metroplex.

George D from the 415 said...

Well, despite my moniker, and though my cell phone's area code is 415, I'm either registering as being from MD or DC since that's where I'm currently at school. Sadly, I know no one in those states, currently. And I shall soon be back in the 415.

lieber said...

Well, dog my cats, david j. loehr. I went to Hanover College. I was in a drama class with Woody taught by the legendary Tom Evans.

Woody's role on Cheers, not much of a stretch.

Ahh, the good ol' days of picking up a six pack of Dos Equis and hanging out at Clifty Falls where I got busted for underage drinking by a Barney Fife type park ranger.

Tim, my stepmother's sister is the concierge at one of those Thomas Kinkade inns in Vermont. I'll call her and reserve a pricey suite contingent on her checking into TGTV.

Anonymous said...

Greetings from Maine. I'll kick up some Vermont consumers for you Tim.

Anxiously awaiting your decons on Season Five of the Wire!

Dan

JulieM said...

Checking in from the Piedmont Ave area of Oakland.

Love the new blog, Tim. Keep it comin'!

eastcoastKaren said...

The homicide map was very interesting, thanks for the link. My husband and I spent a lot of years in north/west Oakland. Three years at Telegraph and 40th, another five at 45th and MLK. After that we got squeezed out of the rental market and ended up in San Leandro, two BART stops from the Coliseum.

Now we're back east, where I grew up. We live in a "village". You can leave things in your yard. Bikes, toys, chairs, flower pots, etc., and they'll still be there tomorrow. Nobody comes around with ten bags hanging off a shopping cart to get the recycling - it's actually still in the bin in the morning when the truck comes by. No teenage mothers or crackheads trick-or-treating, just actual children, with costumes, even. Definitely a different reality from the 510.

We'd still be there if we could have afforded it, though. But we have our own house here, and a big yard surrounded by woods. And my children are actually receiving an education in the public schools. I secretly hope they'll want to go to Cal though, open their eyes up to larger world the way the bay area did for me.

shallowgal said...

I live in BFE.

Just checking in on the NEW!! blog.

Oh. And I used to live in Vermont. Does that count at all for you? No? I didn't think so.

pizzadrone said...

At least there are more liquor stores than bodies, (almost)...

hickcity said...

I've been spent many a hungover Saturday college morning munching on Circle Burgers at the Circle Tap in Davenport Iowa, while visiting my friend John who was attending St. Ambrose. And I spent a few weeks in the house in Woodstock Vermont where Sinclair Lewis had lived - being creeped out by his death mask that hung just to the left of the fireplace.

So I'll "proxy lurk" on their behalf. Good luck getting that kind of gooey cheese from Google Analytics.

Stamboul said...

Sorry, another one from 510> Looking forward to following the wire with you, tim.

klilyrose said...

Tim, Rockridge is SO NOT like the Wire. Come on now. Unless strollers are the new burners and lattes are the new crack.

Gina said...

I'm curious to know if the all-knowing Google can only tell you when someone actually clicks to the site from an RSS feed. Cause I have been clicking over just so you can have data from someone in Austin TX.

ppage said...

Tim,
How did you & the Mrs like American Gangster? Was they guy who played Stringer Bell in it? I thought he played the guy Denzel Washington shoots in the street in the middle of the day.

David J. Loehr said...

Well, dog my cats, david j. loehr. I went to Hanover College. I was in a drama class with Woody taught by the legendary Tom Evans.

Small world. I just finished working on a show directed by Tom himself, and not for the first time. He's kicking around regional theatres, and I'm one of the founders of one right here in town. Sometimes he works with us, sometimes we work with him elsewhere. He's largely the same, far as I can tell, just a little more mythic.

I haven't met Woody, but I've heard the same thing...

suzyq2 said...

ppage: Yes, that was Stringer Bell getting shot in the street-- very cool scene. And Denzel's boss and mentor, for those of you very old folks, was Linc, Clarence Williams III from the beloved Mod Squad. Great movie, Denzel and Russell really brought their A game. So did Ridley.

Tim Goodman said...

I liked it. It wasn't "The Wire." Not even close. Not even in the same universe. But that says more about the power of great television than the limitations of a good film.

And yes, "No Country For Old Men" is the best movie I've seen this year. I was telling someone the other day that at least 60 percent of the time I see a movie I want my money back. But certainly not in these instances. What I haven't seen any movie critics mention yet is that "No Country For Old Men" is the first film in a long time to expertly combine brilliant writing with brilliant directing. Even in the best films, you get the latter, but rarely the former.

ppage said...

Suzyq2, thanks for the info. I didn't catch the Linc connection.

No Country for Old Men will be my next movie. I'm often bored during movies but look forward to this one.

Tom said...

Good morning, Tim. Racine, Wis., checking in, where all the rain and snow has made my driveway excessively crunchy underfoot.

Tom said...

And thanks for the link to the "Wire" prequels. The Little Prop Joe one is just brilliant.

Billy said...

Iowa has arrived. Consider yourself complete, your purpose fulfilled, your blog successful.

Merry Christmas (we still say that here).

BassFeed

Susaleenah said...

Milwaukee, Wisconsin checking in to add to the Cheesehead contingent.
Can't wait for the Wire de-cons and discussions.
I just watched Meadowlands that aired on Showtime awhile ago and was surprised to see the actor who played Lester Freeman.....

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